I had put one of my electrical outlets to such use for so many years the holes in it became so enlarged the plugs would wobble, causing my stereo or computer to shut off. Finally, I bought a new outlet, pulled the fuse from down in the basement, pulled the old outlet, rewired the new one, put the fuse back in, and hooked everything back up. It works just fine.
I can rewire an 110-volt electrical outlet without instructions, but my shampoo says, "Wet hair thoroughly. Apply shampoo to scalp and gently massage into hair to work up a rich lather. Rinse completely. Repeat, if necessary." I guess the manufacturers assume I would sit in the bathtub, staring at the shampoo bottle, completely stumped. Do they also think I might blow-dry my hair while sitting in a bathtub full of water? The sign on the hair-dryer warns me I should not do this.
Why aren't there instructions on soap? Instead of printing it on the wrapper they could stamp it on the soap itself. They could be holes all the way through so you could always read them until the soap was just a sliver. By then, though, you should be able to remember how to use soap.
I can deal with instructions on how to shampoo my hair, because they are a little bit funny. And at least I don't have to follow them. If I want, I can put the shampoo in my hand, then put it on my hair. Or I can put it on my head, then wet my hair. The possibilities are endless.
There is a limit, however, to how much I can tolerate. Sometimes I feel like I'm being nibbled by do-gooder mice.
This is what is on a beer bottle that I have: GOVERNMENT WARNING: (1) ACCORDING TO THE SURGEON GENERAL WOMEN SHOULD NOT DRINK ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES DURING PREGNANCY BECAUSE OF THE RISK OF BIRTH DEFECTS. (2) CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES IMPAIRS YOUR ABILITY TO DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY, AND MAY CAUSE HEALTH PROBLEMS.
I'm using caps because it is printed in caps on the bottle.
I would like to thank the government for informing me and everyone else that women should not get drunk while pregnant. I also want to thank them for educating me to the fact that if I drive while drunk I might not be at my best. I did not know these things. My parents never told me. Apparently, no one in society knew any of these things until they were printed on the backs of beer bottles.
I think every golf ball should have printed on it: DO NOT CUT GOLF BALL OPEN. THE INSIDES ARE POISON AND IF EATEN WILL KILL YOU. That's what we thought when we were kids. Besides, has any government agency actually tested to see if the insides of golf balls aren't deadly poison?
Or what about signs that read: DO NOT STEP ON SIDEWALK CRACK. YOU WILL BREAK YOUR MOTHER'S BACK. Has anyone tested to see if this is true? Crippling mommy is not something most people want to do.
And every can of Coke should have this warning: (1) DO NOT PUT YOUR TEETH IN COKE OVERNIGHT. THEY WILL DISSOLVE. (2) DO NOT PUT ASPIRIN IN COKE AND DRINK IT. IT WILL MAKE YOU DRUNK. We thought those things as kids, too. Has anyone investigated to see if they aren't true? These are potential, and obviously uninvestigated, dangers.
Maybe all bees should have little signs: THIS BEE CAN STING YOU ONCE BUT THEN HE WILL DIE. Hornets, on the other hand, should have this sign: THIS IS NOT A BEE. IT IS A HORNET. IT IS INSANE. UNLIKE A BEE, IT CAN STING YOU OVER AND OVER.
I could go on forever: THIS IS A NOVEL. START AT PAGE 1 AND READ THROUGH TO THE END. DO NOT READ ENDING FIRST!!! THIS MEANS YOU, BOB!
One of the things I always wondered about as a kid is those DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW tags on mattresses. I thought if I removed them somehow the cops would know and come and arrest me. I've always wanted to see this scene in a movie: "We're comin' in after you, Jonesy! You removed the DO NOT REMOVE tag from your mattress!"
"You'll never take me alive, copper!" RAT-A-TAT-TAT!
Could they have at least printed, It's OKAY TO REMOVE THE DO NOT REMOVE TAG IF YOU OWN THE MATTRESS?
I have a pipe which I occasionally smoke. A 12-oz. bag of pipe tobacco will last me six months. The last time I bought a bag the clerk asked me for my ID. This is simply ridiculous, since it is impossible to believe I am less than 21 years old.
"How old do you think I am?" I asked her.
"I don't know," she said.
What comes next is "Liar," but I didn't say it. But in cases like hers I would like to see her pants on fire.
On the back of the tobacco bag it reads: "WARNING: This Product Contains/Produces Chemicals known to the State of California to Cause Cancer, and Birth Defects and Other Reproductive Harm."
I like the vague scare about "Other Reproductive Harm." What it could be is left to the imagination. I have this image of a 12-year-old boy running into the house, sobbing. "Mom! Dad! I smoked a cigarette and -- and -- and -- it fell -- wah!" And then the Mom and Dad run around screaming, "Our grandchildren! Gone! Forever!"
I don't drink much beer, but the last time I bought some the clerk asked me for my ID. She was asking everyone, including Gramps in front of me. Seventy years old and being carded. I wonder what he thought about that.
She looked at my ID and began to type something into her computer. This is how the conversation went:
"Are you typing the information from my driver's license into your computer?"
"Just your birthdate. It's company policy. If I type my own over and over I'd get caught." She understood the stupidity of it.
I am reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis: "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."
Speaking of signs, I would like to see this one on all politicians: I WILL LIE TO YOU AND ROB YOU BLIND, ALL THE WHILE SAYING IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Now that one I would agree with.
Posted by Bob Wallace, who still wonders about the insides of golf balls.
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