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Bob Wallace

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A Kerfluffle with a Stupid

Stupid I have a seven-year-old one-eyed rescue pug I've had for four months. I shave him weekly to keep him cool, keep a gallon of fresh water in my van (which has ice-cold AC) and park in the shade and leave the windows down if I have to leave him in the van -- which is always just for five minutes.

I walk out to my van Friday from being in the store for five minutes, and I see there is a 40ish woman with wraparound sunglasses and a cellphone in her hand standing near my van. I also notice the door to my van is ajar.

I start to get in my van, and she asks me, "Is this your van?"

No, of course not, I'm getting into a stranger's van. I just happen to have the key. She tells me she has called the police because I left my dog in the car.

I realize I'm dealing with a loon. The police aren't going to do anything, and in fact get calls like this all the time.

So I check her out -- the bitter, hostile look, the lack of a ring on her finger, and I decide this is a woman who has gone through a bad divorce, probably seeing a therapist, and is taking her problems out on me. So I decide to turn it around on her.

"Look lady," I tell her, "I suggest you take care of your own problems first, like getting that bitter, hostile look off of your face because you went through a bad divorce."

Her mouth drops open and she takes a step back. Then she yells at me, "You just wait until the police get here!"

I tell her the police aren't going to do anything to me, and besides, I have other things to do that wait for them to show up and tell her she's a moron.

As I'm driving away she screams at me, "You're no gentleman." To which I respond, "That is the ONLY thing you've gotten right about this."

Posted by Bob Wallace, who realized a long time ago that stupid cannot be fixed.

Gudbye t'Jane

Posted by Bob Wallace, who sez, not goodbye to you, goodbye to Jane!

"Because the Night" -- Patti Smith

Posted by Bob Wallace, who sez, this is the first, real Patti Smith,

Saturday, June 27, 2009

POWPOWPOWPOWPOW

Blackcat I live in Missouri, where all fireworks are legal. There are even stores, open all year around, which sell nothing but fireworks.

Right before the Fourth of July, tents are put up near the borders, so people from other states are buy stuff. In Illinois, for example, only sparklers are legal,  so people come across the Mississippi River bridges and buy fireworks to their heart's content.

I recently bought some bottle rockets and Black Cat firecrackers.

When I was a kid in Illinois, the older boys would buy fireworks in Missour, mark the price up, and sell them to us 10-year-olds.

Ten years old and buying illegal fireworks from 17-year-old smugglers. There's humor in that somewhere.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who should have gotten some M-80s, too.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Curly Kills the Clam

Posted by Bob Wallace, who is just a Stooge at heart.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Aooohhhh.....Howler of the Ozarks

Howler

The Ozark Howler, also known as the Ozark Black Howler, is a legendary creature that is purported to live in remote areas in Arkansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, and Texas.

The Ozark Howler is typically described as being bear sized, with thick body, stocky legs, black shaggy hair, and as having prominent horns. Its cry is often described as being a combination of a wolf's howl and an elk's bugle.

Cryptozoologists have speculated that the creature might be a misidentified or unrecognized big cat. Anthropologists have speculated that the creature might be a branching off of the dark dogs of death found in British folklore.

Chad Arment asserts in his book Cryptozoology that the Ozark Howler myth is a hoax. According to Arment, he and many other cryptozoologists received email messages that made wild claims about Ozark Howler evidence. These messages were tracked down to a university student who had made a bet that he could fool the cryptozoological research community. [1] However, stories of the Ozark Howler are said to predate this.

The Ozark Howler may also be a sub-species of panther said to exist in the American Deep South. There are unconfirmed sightings throughout the Southern states, however, most state governments reject the claim that such an animal exists.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who sez aoooohhh it's not real aooohhh I've ever heard one aooohhhh

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Turtle -- the First Submarine

Turtlesub Turtle was the world's first submarine used in battle. It was invented in Connecticut in 1775 by American Patriot David Bushnell as a means of attaching explosive charges to ships in a harbor. Governor Trumbull recommended the inventor to George Washington and although the commander in chief had doubts he provided funds and support for developing and testing the machine. For many people this machine was the key to help defeat the British and win the war. The Turtle was its given name though most people think it is shaped like a walnut not a Turtle.

The submarine,designed as a naval weapon,was meant to drill into a ship's hull and plant a keg containing 130 pounds of gunpowder, which would be detonated by a time fuse. Much testing was done by the inventor's brother, Ezra Bushnell, in the waters of the Connecticut River.

Named for its shape, Turtle resembled a large clam as much as a turtle; it was about 8 feet long (according to original specs), 6 feet (1.8 m) tall, and about 3 feet (0.9 m) wide, consisting of two wooden shells covered with tar and reinforced with steel bands. It submerged by allowing water into a bilge tank at the bottom of the vessel and ascended by pushing water out through a hand pump, similarly to the use of spear sack tanks in modern submarines, and was propelled vertically and horizontally by hand-cranked propellers, the first recorded use of the screw propeller for ships. It also had two hundred pounds of lead which could be released in a moment to increase buoyancy. It was manned and operated by one person. It contained enough air for about thirty minutes and had a speed in calm water of about three miles per hour.

Six small pieces of thick glass in the top were the only source of natural light. After Bushnell pondered the problem of lighting the inside of the ship and after learning that using a candle would hasten the use of the limited oxygen supply of the air inside, he solicited the help of Benjamin Franklin who cleverly hit upon the idea of using bioluminescent foxfire to provide illumination for the compass and depth meter. The light given by the material was said to be sufficient at night, though likely dimmer than expected, because the ship was cooled by the surrounding sea water and the metabolic rate of poikilothermic, heterotrophic organisms is temperature-dependent.

On the night of September 7, 1776,  Turtle, under the guidance of army volunteer Sergeant Ezra Lee, attacked Admiral Howe's flagship HMS Eagle, which was moored off what is today called Governors Island, which is due south of Manhattan. A common misconception was that Lee failed because he could not manage to bore through the copper-sheeted hull. In practice, it has been shown that the thin copper would not have presented any problem to the drill. A more likely scenario is Lee's unfamiliarity with the vessel made him unable to keep the Turtle stable enough to work the drill against the Eagle's Hull. When he attempted another spot in the hull, he was unable to stay beneath the ship, and eventually abandoned the attempt. Governors Island is off the southern vertex of Manhattan, the place where the Hudson River and the East River merge. The currents at this point would be strong and complex. The Turtle would only be able to attack ships moored here during the short period of time when the incoming tide balanced the river currents. It is possible that during the attack the tide turned and Lee was unable to compensate. He released the keg of gunpowder when British soldiers or sailors in row boats tried to pursue him. The British, suspecting a trick, gave up the pursuit.

In 1777, Lee used floating mines in an attempt to destroy the British frigate HMS Cerberus, anchored in Niantic Bay. The explosion was said to have killed several sailors but did not do much major damage to the ship.

The submarine was sunk by the British as it sat on its tender vessel, in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Years later in a letter to Thomas Jefferson, Bushnell reported he had salvaged the Turtle but later destroyed it.

No British records of any attacks by the submarine or any reports of explosions on the night of the supposed attack on HMS Eagle exist (although records of the floating mines do). The only British records are of an intercepted letter of a supposed description of the boat which was not taken seriously.

The problems of achieving neutral buoyancy would have rendered the vertical propeller useless. The route the boat would have had to take to attack HMS Eagle was slightly across the tidal stream which would in all probability have resulted in Ezra Lee becoming exhausted.

In the face of these and other problems it has been suggested that the entire story was fabricated originally as disinformation and later a morale boosting propaganda, and that if Ezra Lee did carry out an attack it was in a covered rowing boat rather than the Turtle.

A replica is on display at the Royal navy submarine museum

In 1976, a recreation was designed by Joseph Leary and constructed by Fred Frese as a Bicentennial project. It was christened by Connecticut's governor, Ella Grasso, and later tested in the Connecticut River. It is owned by the Connecticut River Museum and is currently on loan to Old Saybrook High School in Old Saybrook, Connecticut, where students under the direction of Fred Frese are currently building a working recreation of that model.

On August 3, 2007 three men were stopped by police while piloting and escorting a replica of the Turtle within 200 feet of the Queen Mary 2 without authorization at New York City's Red Hook Brooklyn cruise ship terminal. The replica was created by New York artist Philip "Duke" Riley and two men from Rhode Island, one of whom claimed to be a descendant of David Bushnell. The coast guard issued a citation for having an unsafe vessel.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who sez, now this is history.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Old Men's Magazines

Cavalier While browsing through a combination bookstore/junk shop I found some old Cavalier and True magazines from 1959. It was only ten dollars for all four so I bought them.

They were a lot better than I thought they would be. In fact, they were very good, and what surprised me was that the Cavalier was better than the Trues.

It's too bad these light men's magazines don't exist anymore. If I could, I would open one up and cover crime,cars, hunting, fishing, movies, planes, battles, history, women...all the guy stuff.

I suppose I could do it online, but it would be a full-time job.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who has a Sopwith Camel in his garage.

Cool

Posted by Bob Wallace, who sez, this is as good as a sword and a blaster

Friday, May 22, 2009

Thomas M. Disch, R.I.P.

Disch Thomas Michael Disch (February 2, 1940 Des Moines, Iowa – c. July 4, 2008 New York City, New York) was an American science fiction author and poet.[1][2][3] He won the Hugo Award for Best Related Book (previously entitled "Best Non-Fiction Book") in 1999, and he had two other Hugo nominations and nine Nebula Award nominations to his credit, plus one win of the John W. Campbell Memorial Award, a Rhysling Award, and two Seiun Awards, among others.

In the 1960s, his work began appearing in science-fiction magazines. His first novel, The Genocides, appeared in 1965. He soon became known as part of the New Wave, writing for New Worlds and other avant-garde publications. His critically acclaimed novels of that time included Camp Concentration and 334. In the 1980s, he moved from science fiction to horror, with a series of books set in Minneapolis: The Businessman, The M.D., The Priest, and The Sub. His latest novel The Word of God was published by Tachyon Publications in the Summer of 2008.

In 1999, he won the Nonfiction Hugo for The Dreams Our Stuff Is Made Of, a meditation on the impact of science fiction on our culture, as well as the Michael Braude Award for Light Verse. Among his other nonfiction work, he wrote theatre and opera criticism for The New York Times, The Nation, and other periodicals. He also published several volumes of poetry.

He committed suicide on July 4, 2008 or July 5, 2008

Disch was born in Des Moines, Iowa, on 2 February 1940. Because of a polio epidemic in 1946, his mother Helen home-schooled him for a year. As a result, he skipped from kindergarten to second grade. Disch's first formal education was at Catholic schools; which is evidenced in some of his works which contain scathing criticisms of the Catholic Church. The family moved in 1953 to the Twin Cities in Minnesota, rejoining both pairs of grandparents. In Minneapolis public schools, Disch discovered his long-term loves of science fiction, drama, and poetry. He describes poetry as his stepping-stone to the literary world. A teacher, Jeannette Cochran, assigned 100 lines of poetry to be memorized and Disch wound up memorizing ten times as much[7] His early fascination continued to influence his work with poetic form and the direction of his criticism.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who heard there were attempts to kick him out of his apartment.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Worst Dream I've Ever Had

Devilman

I knew I wasn't the only one to have to this nightmare.  Steve Sailer's had it, too.  He writes:

"If my dreams are representative, then the real American Dream is that you're in the classroom for your final exam but you haven't attended a class or opened the book all semester, and for some reason you're wearing your pajamas, and you really have to go to the bathroom."

In my dream it's the last day of high school, and I realize I'm not going to graduate because of a class I have not attended.  I'm desperately trying to find the room and I'm consumed with tenseness and anxiety.  When I do find the room everyone is speaking some unknown language. The teacher sounds like the one in "Charlie Brown":  "Wah wah wah!"  The test makes no sense. With a horrible sinking feeling I realize I have to attend high school for another year.

Obviously, there is a Hell, and it's right here.  And there's a Nightmare Factory in it churning out variations of the same dream.  My, those demons must be chuckling.

I have this dream about once a year.  One time it was such a nightmare I woke up disoriented and ran to the front door and stuck my head outside, trying to get some air.

What causes dreams like these?

The answer: public schools. There was something toxic about the public schools when I attended - and oh was I relieved to graduate--and they are still toxic today.

I sometimes wonder if I have brain damage.  Something's wrong in there, the way I still dread public schools.  Or may it's just some Pavlovian thing, like that drooling dog.

There are only two other institutions in American society that you are cannot leave: prisons and the military.   And then there are the public schools.  You have to go, and you cannot get out...just like prisons.  Ergo, public schools are prisons!

Sit, march, sit, for eight hours a day.  No wonder we have such a high drop-out rate.

I was nearly bored to tears being forced to sit like that.  So, I retreated into my imagination, which was a lot bigger than my school.

The teachers didn't like my attitude.  I still have my reports cards claiming I wasn't doing my homework and not paying attention in class.  And how I was "capable of doing such good work."

Sorry to disappoint you, ladies and an occasional man, but I was too busy dreaming I was Tan Hadron of Hastor, rescuing damsels in distress and killing four-armed apes.  At least the teacher never found my copy of Edgar Rice Burroughs' A Fighting Man of Mars.  The one I still have.

I also had a note sent home to my parents because I went all gnarly and was chewing on my report cards in class.  The note politely suggested there was something wrong with me, and how something - never specified - should be done to me. Maybe either a doctor or else else a good beating over the head with a shoe.

I guess my chewing on the report card was the only way I could strike back, except for wishing horrible agonizing deaths on Dick and Jane and Spot and Pony, all of whom put me off of reading
for many years.

These days I'd be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder without Hyperactivity and forced to take Ritalin.  As bad as it was back then, at least we didn't have any of that.

Of course, some public school are better than others.  Still, some are downright horrors, and for some students, no matter how good they are, they're still horrors.   And none of them are geared for the most intelligent, sensitive and imaginative students  - the ones you can recognize because of the glazed, dreaming look in their eyes.

When I look back on my career in the public schools, I don't think I learned a thing past the fourth grade.  In middle school I wondered why I was in classes with Neanderthals, and in high school I partied all the time.

I graduated with a D+++ average.  I was supposed to not be allowed to graduate, but I had already been accepted to college, and it was obvious the high school administration was glad to get rid of me.

The only people I've ever met who enjoyed high school were some cheerleaders and some athletes. In fact, it was the high point of their lives, like Al Bundy in 'Married with Children", and for most of them it's been downhill ever since.

I occasionally have this fantasy of burning all the public schools down and salting the ground.  And peppering the teachers, too.

Well, not really, but you know what I mean. And don't tell me you haven't had the same fantasies, because you have.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who heartily regrets every second he spent in school.


Saturday, May 09, 2009

F&SF

Bonestell Besides MAD magazine, the only other one I subscribed to as a kid was The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction (which I still think of as F&SF).

Lots of time, the cover art was just as important as the stories, and I still remember some of the names, such as Chesley Bonestell.

Just the way I remember Roy Krenkel, Jr.'s name, who did the ACE covers for Edgar Rice Burroughs' Barsoom novels, especially the first one I read, A Fighting Man of Mars.

Perhaps I should renew my subscription to them, too

Posted by Bob Wallace, who also remembers all those cartoons by Gahan Wilson.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Still Around Since 1882

Grit I used to sell Grit magazine as a kid, which at that time was a magazine that looked like a cheap newspaper. I think I got the ad to see it out of a comic book.

Imagine my surprise to find this magazine is still around, only now it's a slick. And it was founded in 1882.

I doubt it's advertised in comics anymore, but apparently is sold in seed stores and suchlike places, none of which I patronize these days. Don't have any overalls,  for one thing.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who figures this one is like the "Mother Earth News," only it makes more sense.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The New MAD Magazine

MAD I renewed my subscription to MAD magazine after letting it lapse when I was 12 years old.

The old one was printed on coarse paper and had no ads.

These days it's printed on slick paper and has ads near the front and back. It also comes out quarterly instead of monthly,

It's still the same old MAD, even if a bit updated.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who'd also get a subscription to TRUE is it was still around.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

A Pop/Rock Science-Fiction Prophecy

Posted by Bob Wallae, who was very impressed by this song when I was a little kid.

A Cartoon That Predicted the Future

Posted by Bob Wallace, who is impressed.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

True Magazine

True

True, aka True, The Man's Magazine, was published by Fawcett Publications from 1937 until 1974. Known as True, A Man's Magazine in the 1930s, it was labeled True, #1 Man's Magazine in the 1960s. Petersen Publishing took over with the January, 1975, issue. It was sold to Magazine Associates in August, 1975, and ceased publication shortly afterward.

High adventure, sports profiles and dramatic conflicts were highlighted in articles such as "Living and Working at Nine Fathoms" by Ed Batutis, "Search for the Perfect Beer" by Bob McCabe and the uncredited "How to Start Your Own Hunting-Fishing Lodge." In addition to pictorials ("Iceland, Unexpected Eden" by Lawrence Fried) and humor pieces ("The Most Unforgettable Sonofabitch I Ever Knew" by Robert Ruark), there were columns, miscellaneous features and regular concluding pages: "This Funny Life," "Man to Man Answers," "Strange But True" and "True Goes Shopping.


In the early 1950s, when Ken Purdy was True's editor, Newsweek described it "a man's magazine with a class all its own, and the largest circulation of the bunch." A prolific contributor to Playboy and other magazines, automobile writer Purdy (Kings of the Road), was the son of W.T. Purdy, the composer of "On, Wisconsin!". Ken Purdy committed suicide in 1972 at the age of 59.

During the 1960s, True was edited by Douglas S. Kennedy. Robert Shea, co-author of the The Illuminatus! Trilogy, was an associate editor from 1963 to 1965 before he moved on to Cavalier and Playboy. Charles N. Barnard and Mark Penzer edited True during the 1970s. The cover price in 1963 was 35 cents, climbing to 50 cents by 1965 and 60 cents in 1970. Fawcett also did special issues, such as True's Football Yearbook, published annually from 1963 to 1972, and True's Boxing Yearbook. True's various spin-offs included calendars, such as George Petty's True Magazine Petty Girl Calendar for 1948, published by Fawcett in 1947.

In January 1950, True went back to press after a sold-out issue in which Donald E. Keyhoe suggested that extraterrestrials could be piloting flying saucers. The material was reworked by Keyhoe into a best-selling paperback book, The Flying Saucers Are Real (Fawcett Gold Medal, 1950). True did follow-up UFO reports in 1967 [1] and 1969. The magazine was the source for a number of other books, including True, A Treasury of True: The Best from 20 Years of the Man's Magazine, edited by Charles N. Barnard and illustrated by Carl Pfeufer. This collection was published by Barnes in 1956. Cartoon collections included True Album of Cartoons (Fawcett, 1960), Cartoon Treasury (Fawcett, 1968), Cartoon Laffs from True, the Man's Magazine (Crest Books,1958) and New Cartoon Laughs: A Prize Collection from True Magazine (Fawcett, 1970). Frank Bowers edited The True Report on Flying Saucers (1967).

GE True, a 1962-63 television series filmed at Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank for CBS, featured stories based on the magazine's articles. Jack Webb was the executive producer, host and narrator.

The Main Library at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign has a lengthy run of True back issues.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who would have a subscription if it was still around.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Phineas Gage

Gage When I was a kid the only magazine my father had a subscription to was True magazine, which was a men's magazine that went out of business around '74, I think.

I only remember two stories from it: one in which some guy shot a charging gizzly two or three times with his .45 and killed it about two feet from him, and the other was about Phineas Gage,

Gage I remember vividly. He was the train worker tamping gunpowder in a hole when a blast sent his tamping iron through his skull, giving him a partial lobotomy,

He got up a few minutes later and started talking and walking around, even though some of his brains were leaking out of his head.

He lived another 11 years, changed to some degree by his injury...and injury that should have instantly killed him,

Posted by Bob Wallace, who is still cringing to this day.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

My Kind of Guy

Posted by Bob 'Quick Draw' Wallace

Saturday, April 18, 2009

This is What is Meant by 'Gone Viral"

Posted by Bob Wallace, who has never seen anyting like this.

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