Authorities today said they had arrested two young members of Al Qaeda who had been planning what they claimed was "the worst terror plot we have ever encountered."
Arrested at the Mayfield (Ohio) Grammar School were two eight-year-olds, Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver, and Lawrence "Larry" Mondello. Also confiscated were what government authorities said were detailed plans and blueprints to attack the United States with Little Green Army Men ordered from the backs of comic books, Aurora/Revell/Monogram tanks, airplanes, and spaceships, dirt-clod meteorites and what appeared to be an army of highly intelligent and exceptionally unpleasant alien chickens from Venus.
"If this plot had gone though, hundreds of millions of Americans would have been killed," said Generalissimo Barney Fife, head of Homeland Security. "It was the worst terror plot in the history of the universe! In all of time and space!
"We think Cleaver's real name is Al Beaverda" he continued, "and he's as purely dangerous and more clever than Artemis Fowl, who to this day we still can't seem to catch."
"This is really dumb," said Beaver Cleaver. "Larry and I were drawing pictures on sheets of paper when we were in class, and that snitch Judy called the police and said we were involved in a terror plot. 'Mister Fife, Mister Fife, Beaver and Larry are plotting a terror attack!' Speed-dialed Homeland Security right from her cellphone when she was in class."
"That's right," echoed Larry Mondello. "We were just drawing spaceships and other stuff, and also some aliens that maybe looked like chickens, I guess. Next thing I know a SWAT team comes in and throws us on the floor and beats on our heads with rifle butts. I'm still dizzy. We didn't do nuthin'. Is it against the law to draw pictures anymore?"
Also arrested was Gus the Fireman, who yelled at police and called them "a bunch of darn morons who couldn't find their butts with both hands and someone directing them with a pointer."
"They shot me in the forehead with one of those Tazers," said the 85-year-old Gus. "My ticker just about stopped right there. It was worse than when I was in the Gulag back in '42, and those Russkie Bolsheviks wired my 'nads up to one of those Westinghouse telephone generators and called home a bunch of times. Nazis my butt. Those Bolsheviks were ten times as bad.
"Damn, and looks like I'm heading back to the Gulag again, only time it's in Guantanamo Bay."
A local newspaper columnist, H.L. Mencken, had this is say about the accusations against the two boys: "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "
"I don't exactly understand what he means, being that I'm a bureaucrat and have never had an original thought in my life" said Generalissimo Fife, "but I know a serious terror plot when I see it, and this was the most serious one I have ever run across. Admittedly all the rest of those terror plots were entrapments in which we sent in people to get those morons to run their mouths, and there was no way some numbnuts baggage handler could blow up pipelines or some pizza deliverer shoot up an Army base, but by heck, now we're got a real live terror plot! And a couple of terrorists who make Osama bin Laden look like an amatuer!
"It's a good thing we nipped it in the bud."
Both boys were transferred to Guantanamo Bay while strapped to dollies like Hannibal Lecter. No charges are expected to be filed, ever. Both are considered to be illegal enemy combatants, since they were not in uniform.
"They'll be released when the war is over," said Fife. "It should in about 20 years, once we make the Middle East safe for Israel, secure our oil supplies, impose the American hegemon on them, and lose about 20,000 American dead with 100,000 wounded. Did say that? I mean impose freedom and democracy on them."
Posted by Bob Wallace, who is more Gilligan than anyone else.
posted by Tom Novak who swears he didn't spraypaint that on that sign ... or drive past it at 95 mph ... without a seatbelt on ... smoking an unfiltered lucky ... pouring a dirty martini ... shooting holes in roadsigns with a sawed-off shotgun loaded with 00 buckshot ... from an unregistered, chopped, 1955 DeSoto lowrider ... with limo'd windows ... a hula-girl on the dash... a glasspack muffler ... and a dogleash dangling from the right rear bumper dragging choker-chain sparks along the roadbed. Nope none of that, in fact he was home in bed with the flu all week.
Bob, what model year pug do you have?
Posted by Tom Ender, who has a cat. However, that cat has so many problems he makes the '07 Pug sound like a good deal.
The first time I remember hearing that song was in 7th grade, long after the song had been a hit.
The strangest girl in the class brought it for everyone to listen to. I don't remember if it was anyway near Halloween or not, but I do remember that girl bouncing around in her seat and obviously getting a big kick out of listening to it.
I kinda liked it, too, but certainly not enough to dance to.
Posted by Bob Wallace, who's a graveyard smash.
Of all the on-screen Tarzans, Gordon Scott came the closest to accurately portraying Edgar Rice Burroughs' original character. Scott's Tarzan is strong and smart, educated and articulate and he played him six times both on television and in the movies in the late '50's. The best of all his films is Tarzan's Greatest Adventure - which is not available but you can see it from time to time on Turner Classic Movies.
Gordon Scott was eighty years old.
posted by Tom Novak who's watched a bunch of Tarzan movies over the years.
From Jerry Pournelle's blog:
"He could be maddening sometimes. When he worked for me, he would play Rogue even though there was plenty to get done. The last straw was when Roberta found him asleep in front of the screen -- which was showing Rogue.
"He was also enormously loyal, and inspired several memorable characters. Those who read Lucifer's Hammer, Footfall, and Fallen Angels will know the kind of person Frank wanted to be and sometimes was.
"Many years ago when I rode motorcycles we rode up to Northern California along the Pacific Coast Highway. I didn't know much about the machines, but Frank kept both of them running -- and managed to sing for our supper. He had brought his guitar. I was willing to pay for drinks in order to get people's stories, but Frank saw to it that we never had a bar bill. It made for a memorable trip and I collected a number of characters.
"So Hairy Redd is gone. We'll miss him. Farewell, old friend."
Posted by Bob Wallace, who always suspected Hairy Redd was based on a real person.
School Shooter: BLAM! BLAM ! BLAM!
Student: Ohmigod! There's a school shooter outside the door! He's going to break in and shoot all of us!
Armed Student: Nah, ain't gonna happen. (Whips out .45 semi-automatic pistol)
Liberal Nitwit Student: Hey! It's illegal to carry a handgun! I'm calling the police!
Armed Student: Go ahead. The 101st call isn't going to make them show up any faster.
Female Student: Shut up, you liberal moron, or I'll punch you!
Liberal Nitwit: Okay.
Armed Student (jumping behind door): Don't anyone look at me so he won't know I'm here.
Chorus: We're not that stupid!
Armed Student: Oh yes you are! Most of you don't have the slightest idea how to defend yourselves! Even the men! It's the pussification of America! If I wasn't here most of you would just stand there paralyzed and get shot! Just like those people on the airplanes on 9-11!
School shooter (crashing through door): Ha ha! Everyone up against the wall so I can shoot all of you! I have a pistol and enough magazines to hold 100 rounds! I'm going to shoot all of you two and three times and kill 32 of you! And the stupid liberals will blame it on the tool instead of the fool! And others will blame Stephen King because I read his novel, Rage. I'm going to get revenge on all of you for abusing, bullying and humiliating me all my life! Ha ha ha! Maybe I don't have any friends and have never had a girlfriend! Maybe I'm a virgin and have never even kissed a girl! Maybe I was molested by a homosexual pedophile and that's why I write insane plays like "Richard McBeef"! Maybe I was raised poor in a high school with snobby rich kids! Maybe my life didn't turn out the way I wanted even though I'm only 23! Maybe I'm on murder/suicide pills, aka Prozac. So I'll get rid of my hate and rage and envy and go out in a blaze of glory! You ignored me in life but you won't ignore me in death! Now up against --
Armed Student: BLAM!
Shooter: Ow! Damn! That hurt! What the -- hey, you shot me in the back of the head! That's not fair, and definitely not sporting!
Armed Student: Excuse me? Are you joking? There is no "fair"
or "sporting" when it comes to some nut who plans on murdering dozens of innocent people. If I had my way, I would have shot you in the back with a scoped rifle from 500 yards.
Shooter: Ack! Gack! I pass on to a better world!
Armed Student: Somehow, I doubt that.
Female Student (putting hands over eyes): Yuck!
Armed Student: Yeah, I know, those point-blank headshots can be pretty messy. Anyone have a dustpan? Maybe a shovel?
Liberal Nitwit: That was cold-blooded murder! He'd been horribly abused all his life by us! This whole thing is straight out of Carrie!
Female Student: As horribly as he was treated by people, that doesn't give him the right to murder 32 innocent people who did nothing to him. And you need an attitude adjustment! (POW!)
Liberal Nitwit: Ow! My eye!
Student: Where're the police? We called them 45 minutes ago and they're still not here.
Armed Student: Now that this potential mass murderer is dead they'll show up. It'll be just like Columbine, where they hid until the shooting was over and everyone was dead.
Cop (bursting through the door, dressed like a ninja): Everyone on the floor with your hands on your heads!
Armed Student: The shooter is dead. He's right there in front of you.
Cop: Who shot him?!?
Armed Student: I did, with my .45. I just saved 32 lives.
Cop: On the floor! You're under arrest!
Armed Student: Is your name Richard Cranium, by any chance? We're the victims here, you know.
Cop: My name is Officer Dim, not Cranium! Now all of you on the floor! All of you are under arrest!
Students (chorus): This is ridiculous! We called you people over 100 times, you show up after the guy's dead, and now you want us to get on the floor with our hands on our heads!
Cop: That's right! All of you on the floor, now!
Female student (grabbing cop's M-16 out of his hands): You're worthless! "Peace officer," my butt! Get out of here!
Cop: Hey, give me back my helmet and bullet-proof vest! And my codpiece!
Students (chorus): Get out of here! If we had depended on you dumbass cops, we'd all be dead by now!
Cop (running out of room): Mommy! They took my gun!
Student: You know, I feel a lot better now. Free, brave, like I'm not a brainwashed sheep anymore!
Armed Student: That's the spirit! Like Thucydides said: "Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave." You can't be brave or happy unless you're free!
Student: I never thought of that! And it's so simple!
Armed Student: Never learned that in public school, did you?
Female Student: Yay for armed students!
Student: And disarmed fake cops!
Armed Student: And yay for Americans! And how Americans are supposed to act!
Posted by Bob Wallace, who believes in armed citizens and unarmed cops -- I mean "peace officers."
Jim Bown works at Luxor! Yeah huh, he does too ... look:
See there he is having a photo op with some nice nuns who are on vacation in Vegas.
posted by Tom Novak, who says "fine, don't believe me - watch Mars Attacks! yourownselves, and then you'll believe."
This is a shot of that old stone Pyramid and it's Sphinx in Egypt:
And here we have the same thing in new glass at the Pyramid of Luxor in Las Vegas Nevada:
Now this is the interior in Egypt:
And this is the view of the interior in the Las Vegas Pyramid :
Here is typically what you'll find in an egyptian pyramid :
Meanwhile, typically inside the pyramid of Luxor Las Vegas we find these things (shows nightly) :
posted by Tom Novak, who asks , uh, which pyramid would YOU rather visit? Um hmm, yeah, I thought so ...
Well, I'm back from Vegas and yes, before I could get into my room with the awesome view of Mandalay Bay this is what I had to look at every time on my key, Carrot Top. Carrot Top??? Geez, who thought of that?
If that's not bad enough, of all the hot show girl babes and fabulous stars and glitterattaratti jet setters and lost boys and golden girls - who is it that I bump into in the casino - that's right, Carrot Top. Carrot Top???? Geez.
Anyway, Luxor Las Vegas is cool. It's a lot better than the stinky old shit hole in Egypt it's named after. Man, forget that place - they don't even have a decent buffet there. Peee - yew. I'll take Viva Las Vegas anytime.
posted by Tom Novak, who won a planet and forty-thousand quatloos offa some big brains in glass jars. Big brains in glass jars will bet on a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.
Posted by Bob Wallace, who is going HAHAHAHAHA!!!