Hello good readers of TSC! Long time no copy... Excuses? Moi? I don't need no stinking excuses.
Excuses won't help anyway. The war is on and you're in it. We all are.
Today I heard a herd Newsweek journalist, Michael Isikoff, talking about his quest to identify exactly “Who is John Kerry”. Good luck Mike! I have inside information, and I happen to know that that is exactly the wrong question. A more useful question would be “What is John Kerry”. That is because John Kerry is a thing. It is a thing from the dark side of modern technology; a humanlike creation out of a techno skunk-works, hidden deep within the vast left wing conspiracy.
"Ha!" you say, “Vast left wing conspiracy!”. Harumph! Surely you mean “vast “RIGHT wing conspiracy.” No! I mean Left wing. For those of you who have gone out too often without your metal hats on, and have become hopelessly brainwashed, let me attempt to re-educate you. The VLWC consists of a media/political complex. The media phalanx dominates the airwaves with the possible exception of AM talk radio, and it has long dominated print journalism as well. The media phalanx of the VLWC has as its role to scare as many people as possible. It creates issues and then sends its political army out to “address” the issues. If the issues don’t get people scared enough to allow the politicians leeway to legislate, the media elevates the issues to crises. Crisises are the nuclear weapons of the VLWC. Once the people are convinced that a crisis exists, the politicians have Carte-Blanche to legislate at will. There. Got it? Media begets issues, issues beget crises, crises beget fear, fear empowers the Politicians, and Politicians beget legislation. The long range goal is that eventually, with enough legislation in place, the VLWC will have virtually complete control of the economy, the land, and the people of the world.
Who is in charge of the VLWC? I don’t know. I picture a committee of Ivy League professors, long haired Marxists from Europe and a couple of evil geniuses (genii?) sitting in a high tech op-center somewhere deep in the Italian Alps, or maybe Vermont. They’re watching monitors, slurping fine Champagne, licking caviar off of their fingers and laughing sinister laughs… MUHAHAHAHAH! Soon it will ALL be OURS!!!
Burned by the shortcomings of its recent crop of human field operatives, the VLWC has decided instead to rely on technology to pursue its political ends.
Enter the John F. Kerry Politron
The Kerry is an animatronic device, reminiscent of those on display at the Disney facilities.
In fact, the Kerry appears somewhat less sophisticated than those, and for that reason may not succeed at its purpose. It has a rather monotonous voice, a gangly and inelegant gait, lacks basic proficiency in such actions as cycling, exhibits awkward movement in general, and as recently displayed in Boston, it throws like a girl.
The big advantage of the Kerry Politron is its rapid download and reprogramming capability. When linked to any data source, it can be reprogrammed instantly to correct its stance on any issue, in favor of a position that is anticipated to garner more votes.
The VLWC has thousands of operatives polling and testing the political winds, and can update the Kerry at a moment’s notice. It is a powerful weapon, and if nothing else, it will present a stark contrast to the bumbling but loveable cowboy, who despite all of his deft human handlers seems incapable of the kinds of rapid transformations of thought and opinion that will woo each and every category of voter.
Some pundits see this election as the Armageddon of the right and left, the epic confrontation of liberalism vs. conservatism, but I know it for what it really is… It is nothing but the latest incarnation of the eternal battle of man vs.machine.
posted by IFYA, editor who is going out now to play kick the can around the block
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