The Sudden Curve

Kellogs' Kong Flakes - breakfast of champions

posted by Tom Novak, who prefers Quisp, but walked 7 miles through the frozen global warming tonight just to get Kong Flakes to snack on during King Kong Week!  Yum.

Ummm....Beer

by Bruce Burrows

from Modern Drunkard Magazine

It’s a little after ten in the morning on a Saturday, I’ve just retrieved a bucket of ice, and the phone rings.

I set the bucket aside and grab the phone on the fourth ring.

“Portals Tavern.”

“Is this Randy?”

“No, Randy works nights.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry. Um . . . Sorry, I was in there last week and . . . I just moved into the neighborhood. You wouldn’t happen to know where I could find an honest plumber? Right away. I’m drowning in here.”

And so the day begins. “Sure. Hold on, I’ll get his number.”

It doesn’t happen every day, but it is not uncommon. Keep your nightclubs and trendy dance halls; I love a good neighborhood bar. And by that I don’t mean the place “where everybody knows your name.” Sure, those people are there, but the stranger is accepted as well. And not based on their bankroll or what they drove up in, either. More than just a place to drink, these small and often humble purveyors of libation are a hub for information, services and escape. Need a job? That contractor over there in the corner is looking for day laborers. Did your girlfriend kick you out? The guy at the pool table has a room he wants to rent. What’s the best first date meal on the cheap? Talk to the girl feeding dollars into the juke box. Under these roofs one can see careers made and broken, love found and lost; impromptu book clubs spawned, financial advice (good and bad) whispered in an ear and, buddy, let me tell you something about the horse in the sixth race.

They are historical archives. Especially in older establishments (the bar I work in has been around for 70 years), the stories and tales provided by the octogenarian set are windows to times in the city that the younger folks never knew. And since you never have to prod a Barfly to tell a story twice, they won’t be lost.

These are just some of the qualities that I love about a good neighborhood bar. Always a place for one’s immediate and short-term needs, now they have become more. Recently, as the sadly sober world outside has become menacingly sober, these atolls of protection now serve a much more vital function than ever; they are one of the last bastions of true democracy in America.

I should explain that.

With the possible exception of the right to bear arms, the philosophies and rights laid out by the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence are best represented here. Under low light and neon signs, in the mumbled conversations during the one-hand lean at the urinal, what America was and should be is preserved:

The Pursuit of Happiness. This is obvious, but still worth mentioning. When that first sip of whiskey rolls past the tongue, when the warmth spreads through the body, when the job and family and bank balance fade on the other side of the scarred doors, is there any better way to describe precisely what is taking place? These fine institutions are more committed to sanctuary than the churches you stumble past to reach them.

Freedom of Speech. A good local bar tolerates nearly everything except intolerance of intolerance, as it were. Who killed Kennedy, why you should never see a doctor, the oil company’s conspiracy against hemp, what to drink for your sour stomach from the night before, why it’s better to smoke menthols instead of regular cigarettes. Go ahead, rant and pontificate; demagogues, revolutionaries, politicians, philosophers, welcome one and all.

Freedom of Assembly. Try to get a bunch of guys together throwing down beers and talking trash in the outside world and see how far you get. Any given day in these regional havens will see reenactments of anything from the Boston Tea Party to Burning Man. No permit is required.

The 21 st Amendment. The spirit of the speakeasy lives here, the American commitment to self determination and not dictatorial rule by those who, because they cannot be pleased, would deny us pleasure. Every swing of the door is a celebration of the reversal of our most inane law; every drink raised is a flag of freedom.

All Men are Created Equal. Most important and peculiar to your neighborhood tavern is this fundamental precept of our history. Your past, your income, your social standing does not pass these doors. This is where janitors talk comfortably with vice presidents, where a District Attorney and the man he put away buy each other drinks. A man condemned to insignificance outside these walls can demonstrate Socratic wisdom in this sanctuary. If you plan to make a million dollars by the time you’re 25, great. If you work just enough to buy the next day’s drinks, we don’t care. In here our collective achievements and failures merge into a single shared understanding of why we are here.

So, my young and amorous Drunkards and Players, the next time you’re straightening that tie in front of the mirror one last time and thinking of exactly what you’ll say to the girls at that downtown club, add a stop before you leave your neighborhood; before heading out for a night of debauchery and bad pickup lines, stop at that little dive down the street on your way. Ask the guy next to you how that hole in the bathroom door got there. Give the lady next to you a dollar for the juke box. Buy a drink and look around. Watch the diverse landscape of lives spread out before you and think of the place you are on your way to, “where everybody looks the same.” You’re standing in one of the last lines of defense against a world outside that is rapidly forgetting what this country is and what it is supposed to be about. Then buy a round for the house.

It’s the patriotic thing to do.

Posted by Bob Wallace, who sez, who is good enough for Repairman Jack is good enough for me.

Tough Times Require Plenty Of Courage

What you see if you wake up in Seattle under a glasstop breakfast table

The B-I-G ad for Carlton Beer

Download the draught  in HIGH bandwidth ...

Rum's not drinkin' ... it's survivin'

Yummm. . .Mead Honey Wine

Although I've never tried absinthe, and don't have any desire (the taste is supposedly very nasty) one thing I have tried, and order over the Internet, is mead, or honey wine. Even though it may be the oldest wine that exists, it's almost impossible to find it in a store. And it is good stuff. In fact, the word "honeymoon" comes from newlyweds who were supposedly to drink mead for a moon month. Ummm, yum!

Posted by Bob Wallace, WHO TRIED TO MAKE WINE ONCE AS A TEENAGER. ONLY ONCE.

The Only Illegal Liquor in the US

It's absinthe. It's legal in other countries, but has been banned in the US since the early 1900s. Apparently the government thought it was addictive. It's based on a liquor called Pernod, which is legal, and blue, and being flavored with anise, it tastes like liquorice. Basically absinthe is Pernod with woodwood added. I've never tried it, or tried to make it. I do know woodwood is supposed to be good for getting rid of internal parasites, and is available in just about any healthfood store. I do know absinthe is green, unlike the blue of Pernod. I guess that's what the woodwood does to it. I've heard the stuff tastes pretty awful. Personally, I'll stay with mead, which is honeywine.

Posted by Bob Wallace, WHO LIKES WINE BUT NOT BEER.

The Gloria Winery

I don't like interstates. The back roads are much more interesting, because I have no problems with wandering. While making my way through the Ozarks with She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed we saw a little winery off of the highway. It was a little family-run business, consisting of the trailer in which they lived, a grove which appeared to be an acre-and-a-half, and a shed for winemaking. Missouri has probably at least 50 wineries, but I had no idea they could be so small.

When we pulled in the gravel parking lot, there was a sign instructing us to honk! So we did, and out comes a couple, the owners of the place. They had a litle wine-tasting room. Hey, that was good stuff, and if you've ever down that way, stop in an pick up a few bottles. Or give them a call and have them ship a few bottle to you. They told us they don't make much money, but have a heck of a good time. Really, isn't the good time what really matters?

Here's some stuff I found on the internet about it.

Gloria Winery
11185 Stave Mill Road
Mountain Grove, MO 65711
417-926-6263

Located on Highway 60 between Mountain Grove and Cabool, Missouri, Gloria Winery is one of just a handful of wineries situated in the hills of the Ozark Mountain viticulture region.

William and Jane Toben, owners of this small family-run winery, planted their first vines in 1972, and had  their first commercial crush in 1991. Gloria Winery opened to the public in 1992. The Tobens are committed to serving a very special segment of the Missouri wine market.

The winery specializes in hearty red European-style table wines made from estate-grown French-hybrid grape varieties only recently introduced to the Missouri wine industry. Lighter, sweeter styles are also produced.

The winery features vineyard tours,  a tasting room,  Missouri juices & cheeses, and wine-related gift items. Hours are daily from 11:00 am –Sundown.

Posted by Bob Wallace, WHO KNOWS THAT WINE IS GOOD FOR YOU.

Umm Umm Good

While on the way to Branson a few weeks ago we stopped at Michelle's Cafe in Eureka, Mo. It's right off of 44, west of St. Louis. Get off on 109 and go south. Easy to find. I ordered plain old hash browns and an omelet, and it was the best meal I'd had in my life. And for about $5.50! I asked the owner if the cook was a professional chef, and she said yes, he was. So here's the address:

Michelle's Café
104 S Central Ave
Eureka MO
636-938-5595

Believe me, you won't regret it.

Posted by Bob Wallace, WHO'S SORRY HE EVER ATE AT MCDONALDS.

 

Ummm. . .Pinot Noir

All wine contains a substance called resveratrol, although pinot noir contains the highest quantities of it.  Resveratrol inhibits fungal infection, raises HDL "good" cholesterol, lowers PSA levels in males, raises immunity, controls blood pressure, preserves red blood cells, prevents blood clots and inhibits inflammation. How much more could one ask of one molecule? Furthermore, it would take only about 3 to 5 milligrams of resveratrol, about the amount provided in a glass of red wine, to produce these results in humans. Obviously, the only red wine I drink is pinot noir. I still like Kabinett the best, but since it contains lower amounts of this molecule, I of course have to drink more wine to get the optimum quantities of it. The stuff sounds Incredible! See what pinot noir did to that guy over there on your left? Amazing, huh?

So there all you prudes. Booze is good for you, if, like everything else, it's used in moderation.

Posted by Bob Wallace, WHO THINKS RED MEAT,  BOOZE AND CIGARS ARE GOOD FOR YOU.

Italian Red

Nine bucks for the 1.5 liter bottle at Cheap Warehouse Shopping Club prices.

posted by Tom Novak, who only drinks to forget. Forget what? I don't know, I forgot that years ago...

Ummm, Good!

Out of a lifetime of drinking I have settled on German white wines as being the most delicious for the cost (less than $10 a bottle). Kabinett is a dryish-sweet wine, and, ummm, good it is. From the most dry (and cheapest) to the sweetest they run from Schwatz Katz to Kabinett to Spalese to Auslese. Beyond that you get into Beerenauslese (expensive) to Trockenbeerauslese (very expensive). They latter two are so sweet I can't stand them, myself.

Posted by Bob Wallace, WHO THINKS A DRINK A DAY IS BETTER THAN SEEING THE DOCTOR.

Last year it was Klondike Bars

but for this year's Yule Dessert we are  reaaaally,  reaaally  wanting some of this from Santa:

Hey, Ammurricans!  Like to try smaller governmint for a change?  C'mon, we know you would.  It was your ancestor's favorite dish, and it's available again at prices you can afford.  Stop eating what those people are putting in your trough and order your very own carton of smaller governmint from:

Star Spangled Ice Cream

Now, available again,  for a limited term; Smaller Governmint - is delicious!  Get yours before the recipe is lost forever ...

Grilling 101

How to's and recipes from the grillmasterers at WEBER

And get your own Smokey Joe grill :

You'll be glad you did because, itsza holiday weekend and ...

"Looks like meat's back on the table, boys!"

Nabisco Nirvana

An Oasis o' Reos.

Fire good,

Fire is our friend.

Smoke good,

Smoke is our friend.

Beer good,

Beer is our friend.

Grilling good,

Grilling is our friend.

The above artzy-montage was brought to you by Memorial Day Weekend (What?? That just doesn't sound right. How can this be a day and a weekend? Shouldn't it be one or the other - somebody call Hallmark .... )

Bugs of MARS ATTACK(s)! North America

"Ack Ack! Submit, puny humans or we will destroy you!"

Okay, the big-headed scientists in charge claim they are only cicadas - but we aren't too sure about that!

Like, what else would National Geographic say? That there really are Bugs of Mars invading this summer? Hummpffh, not likely! Remember all the trouble Orson Welles got in when he tried to warn the nation the last time? Those nature-weinies aren't about to risk tenure and their cushy grants for that - no sireee.

Below: one member of Brood X hatching... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

What's next? The Deadly Mantis???

posted by tortuga tommy, editor who is wondering how these things taste in gumbo.

Hamilton Day Dreaming

posted by Tortuga Tommy, editor who really knows Island Lifestyle

More Tax Dollars at Work

Apparently, the same work crew goes from city to city, looking for dead animals they can spray paint!

posted by Bob Wallace , editor on loan from the City of Dead Painted Badgers.

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