The Sudden Curve

Surprise, surprise

Posted by Tom Ender, who thought at first he was going to see a clip from the movie within a movie in  Idiocracy, but No!!!!

Dam those Damns... and other environmental dam disasters ~ Updated

What with all this Branson talk and all, we thought we'd best dredge up Iffy's  fabulouso, award-wiiiining and wildly popular  - fishing in the Ozarks -post from years ago.  Iffy himself, dis-pond-ed after his failed Election '04 Presidential run as candidate of the Huge Ass Beers Party has  retreated to Lilly's Landing with a cane pole and a three-pack of Bud and hasn't been seen since ...

Trout Fishing in America is alive and well.  Even in places where there didn't used to be trout fishing in America.  Trout fishing in America is not my name, like the guy in that hippie book, written by the guy whose last name sounds like some kind of composted sandwich meat; it’s what I do when I don't hunt, and what I did again recently. 

I always like to enjoy Mother Nature at her finest, and where you can find her at her finest is in the shadow of a man made environmental disaster.  The man made disaster in this case is the Table Rock dam.  It’s one of several on the White river as it runs its course through southwestern Missouri and northwestern Arkansas.  A chain of lakes were formed when hydroelectric dams were built back in the forties, fifties and sixties.   

Remember those days?  Back when the future looked like the Jetsons, and when man made stuff was regarded with awe and respect rather than labeled as an eco disaster?   Back when a facility for production of electricity meant improved standards of living and an increasing economy, and drew cheers of adulation instead of derelict hippy enviro-terrorists, fitted out like mountaineers and oozing filth and their filthy socialist rhetoric. 

The tail waters of the Table Rock dam become what is called “Lake Taneycomo”, bounded on the downstream end by the Powersite dam.  Lake Taynecomo is really more of a river than a lake, because when the generators at Table Rock are generating, the gates at Powersite have to be opened too, and there is a pretty hefty current.  The water that flows through the generators comes out at about 42 degrees, and with all the aeration it gets from running through the turbines, and flowing swiftly over the rocky streambed, it becomes just about perfect habitat for freshwater shrimp.  Those are tiny crustaceans which would be completely worthless were it not for the fact that they are a highly nutritious food source for Onchorincus Mykiss, a.k.a. the Rainbow Trout.  Lake Taneycomo is host to a huge population of rainbows, which is supplemented with hatchery stockings on a regular basis.

It also holds a naturally reproducing population of Brown Trout, which can easily reach 15 to 25 lb. sizes in its rich waters. 

I went fishing there this weekend.  We fished up close to the dam in the “Trophy” area, where you aren’t allowed to use anything but artificial baits.  It’s a great area for fly-fishing when the generators aren’t running because there is a huge open area on both sides of the stream, allowing for easy fly-casting.  The fish are plentiful but finicky.  We always catch and release there, mainly because if you don’t they’ll fine you about sixty bucks for keeping a fish that isn’t in the legal size bracket.  You can’t possess a fish that is between 12 and 20 inches long.  You can possess them if they are either shorter, or longer.  We seldom catch either in those ranges there. 

We fly-fish in the AM up by the dam, and then when the generators start and the water comes up, we go to boats and drift fish lower down on the lake.  Drifting with night crawlers, artificial eggs, or power baits will get you a boatful of nice eating size Rainbows in a day’s time if you are attentive enough to detect a hit as your drift rig bounces along the rocky bottom.

We always have a great fishing experience on Taneycomo, and besides the fishing, what makes it great is the place where we stay which is called Lilleys Landing  The cabins or apartments are well appointed with full kitchens, etc, and the hospitality and fishing expertise that are available from the staff there are without peer in the Taneycomo area.  We always bring steaks and booze, which combine for a mighty feast and bullshit festival after the first day’s fishing.  Then on the second night, after we have filled our creels, we have a fish feast.

   
            

Our day on Saturday found the fishing spottier than usual, and with many of the trout running smaller than we are used to.  We threw a bunch of dinks back, but managed to catch enough nice eating size fish for a filling feast.  Fresh trout fillets, a nicely chilled Pinot Grigio, salad, and a dessert of Opus X cigars and MacAllan 18 year old Single Malt made a fitting end to a glorious day of fishing, wrestling feisty rainbows and a couple of nice browns, watching eagles fly, beavers swimming and working like beavers, and all the sorts of beautiful wonders of nature I’ve come to expect when I visit the site of a man-made enviro-disaster.

If you look up Taneycomo, you'll find out that it runs right through the town of Branson, MO, which many know as a kind of elephant/s graveyard of country music and celebrities.  Don't let the tourist trap image fool you.  It's hellish for traffic during the summer, (and the fishing is still worth the hassle) but during the offseason, it becomes a true fisherman's paradise  

posted by IFYA, editor on the lam from the chops

   
         

Flu Schmu!! It could be that office party!

Don't let 'em fool ya, Doc ...

Yesterday, I wrote an article in PAJAMAS  (Pennsylvania Journal of Alleged Medicine And Science). It warns physicians of a new syndrome that can easily be mistaken for the flu. At a time when flu vaccine is in short supply, it is important not to have false flu epidemics stampeding us into squandering the precious vials of government issue goo where it will do no good. The article advises doctors to carefully evaluate patients presenting with the constellation of symptoms associated with the syndrome.

The syndrome is one we are calling Hypercelebratory Holiday Syndrome (HHS). It presents with symptoms including headache, nausea, aching joints, and in a significant number of cases, intestinal symptoms that together, are difficult to distinguish from influenza. There is however no infectious agent associated with HHS, and while causal factors have yet to be fully established, the appearance of symptoms seems to be strongly associated with cessation of celebratory activities involving consumption of certain seasonal foods and beverages.

In a group of 25 patients under study here at the Institute for the Damned, 20 have presented with two or more of these symptoms within 7-10 hours post celebration. All were determined to be serologically negative for signs of recent viral or bacterial infection. Cultures obtained from 15 of the patients were negative. (Five patients with positive cultures not related to these symptoms were given antibiotics and counseling on avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases) In many cases patients seem to be able to self-diagnose with greater certainty than examining physicians. They describe the syndrome in colloquial terms such as “whiskey sick” and “egg-noggin”.

Do not assume influenza when patients exhibit the above symptoms. Be certain to rule out HHS. A treatment regimen should include analgesics and soup, or in more severe cases, a resumption of imbibing until an appropriate blood alcohol level is reached

Merry Christmas ! 

 

Posted by Iffy, who is widely known for his effervescence.

Iffy's magnanimous and statesmanlike concession speech

Crap!  I lost.  Not one friggin vote!

"damn stupid voters ... I'll get you for this, YOU BASTAAAARDS!!!!!"

At least the bars are open again.

posted by  X-Candidate Iffy, editor destined to get a sweet job at a NGO lobbying firm on "K" street.

Theriously Thtrange

Last night Candidate Iffy was rushed to the Embryonic Thumb Cell Research Center

for thumb thumb thuplementation thurgery.  We pressured the docs to hurry, because he needed thumb augmentation in time for the election. 

But thumbthing has gone terribly wrong.  We can't let him campaign in this condition. 

I mean, LOOK AT HIM!!!

SHEESH!   Beer and Scalpels don't mix! 

DOH!!!! Huge Ass Beers Party-time!

It’s almost NOVEMBER the tooth!   That’s when the people are supposed to vote.   As some may recall, I am the Presidential nominee of the Huge Ass Beers Party.  I am somewhat remiss in that I almost forgot to campaign!   The staff are a bunch of drunken slackers, as you might expect.

My secretary
was supposed to book me for some speeches and debates, but she took a nap, after which she needed a pedicure and then she had some errands to run.  My running mate, John "Monkfish" McGhee is settling some accounts deep in the bayou country, and well, things just got a bit off track.

But the American People need change. Change of all denominations!  and   “EYE HAVE A PLANNNNN”

Sure, it's cryptic, because otherwise it would have to be specific donchaknow.   Voters in the know will get it.  Others need not vote.

My promise to the American people is a future of MORE:

More Horsepower

More Firepower:

AND...More Stemware research…

…enough money will be spent on stemware research NOT ONLY to reconstruct Superman.  But to help us understand how he fell off his horse in the first place.

My record speaks for itself!!!

I don't want to frighten anybody, but I AM demanding your vote!!!   

posted by Iffy, the less filling and greater tasting  candidate.

A Confederate drinks to the coming election

Oh say Curve-o's,  Did ya miss me?

Iffy been mucking about out in the free world, dutifully pursuing happiness and securing the peace in the household.  It’s more than a full time job.  I have been watching some of the election shenannygans with one eye, and listening with my bad ear, and that along with a frank and open discussion with senior Jose Cuervo inspired me to take a stab at political punditry.  Here goes:   

One of John-boy Edwards’ pet themes during his early bid for the demonocratic Presidential numbanation was that there are “two Americas”.   

Danged if I don't agree with him!

One of those two Americas, the one he likes, would be happier if it were part of the European Union.  That one is an America that wants socialism as its governing philosophy, and that thinks the whole idea of sovereign nations is antiquated.  It is an America that thinks making more things illegal will make bad people behave, an America that thinks bad people behave badly because society has failed them, and that thinks the foundation of security both personal and national lies in the lyrics of “Love is All You Need”.  That one is an America that glorifies government above all other forms of human endeavor and that regards self-interest, personal responsibility and individual initiative as vices rather than virtues.

The other America, the one I like, believes that a nation owns its sovereignty.  It believes that a free republic of sovereign states, united under a constitution that clearly and specifically delimits the scope and reach of its federal government is the greatest idea yet to be advanced for governing a people.  This America believes that ownership of property and economic freedom are the essential manifestations of liberty and that ones choice of labor as well as the disposition of the fruits of that labor are the sole provinces of each individual.

My America finds virtue in rugged individualism and self-reliance.   

For us, the greatest failing would be that we should become a burden upon our neighbor, and our greatest joy would be in the opportunity to show him charity.  We are the remnants of the original United States of America, the nation that was born in a rage against tyranny and forged in the fire and blood of war.  We don’t fear war nor do we fear our enemies and we give them no quarter.  We are not fools who court death, but neither do we lack the courage in whatever amounts required to remain free.  My America turns away from the hairy teat of the nanny state and our palates will not suffer the loathsome government cheese made from its soured milk.  Live free or die! We say.  Don’t tread on us!  Give us liberty or give us death! Those are the words that inspire us.  Our America is nothing like that other America.   Ours is the land of the free and the home of the brave.  Theirs is the land of perpetual childhood with the lordly state as parent and guardian. 

There are two Americas, John-boy, and the differences seem frankly irreconcilable.  Does this mean it is time to start interviewing divorce lawyers? 

Is that fifes and drums I hear? 

Cheers!

Posted by IFYA, editor who don't need Neil Youngs around anyhow!

Beware the Politron!

Hello good readers of TSC!  Long time no copy...  Excuses? Moi?  I don't need no stinking excuses.

Excuses won't help anyway.  The war is on and you're in it.  We all are.

Today I heard a herd Newsweek journalist,  Michael Isikoff, talking about his quest to identify exactly “Who is John Kerry”.   Good luck Mike!   I have inside information, and I happen to know that that is exactly the wrong question.  A more useful question would be “What is John Kerry”.  That is because John Kerry is a thing.  It is a thing from the dark side of modern technology; a humanlike creation out of a techno skunk-works, hidden deep within the vast left wing conspiracy.

"Ha!" you say, “Vast left wing conspiracy!”.  Harumph!  Surely you mean “vast “RIGHT wing conspiracy.”   No!  I mean Left wing.  For those of you who have gone out too often without your metal hats on, and have become hopelessly brainwashed, let me attempt to re-educate you.   The VLWC consists of a media/political complex.  The media phalanx dominates the airwaves with the possible exception of AM talk radio, and it has long dominated print journalism as well.  The media phalanx of the VLWC has as its role to scare as many people as possible.  It creates issues and then sends its political army out to “address” the issues.  If the issues don’t get people scared enough to allow the politicians leeway to legislate, the media elevates the issues to crises.    Crisises are the nuclear weapons of the VLWC.  Once the people are convinced that a crisis exists, the politicians have Carte-Blanche to legislate at will.   There.  Got it?  Media begets issues, issues beget crises, crises beget fear, fear empowers the Politicians, and Politicians beget legislation.   The long range goal is that eventually, with enough legislation in place, the VLWC will have virtually complete control of the economy, the land, and the people of the world. 

Who is in charge of the VLWC?  I don’t know.  I picture a committee of Ivy League professors, long haired Marxists from Europe and a couple of evil geniuses (genii?) sitting in a high tech op-center somewhere deep in the Italian Alps, or maybe Vermont.  They’re watching monitors, slurping fine Champagne, licking caviar off of their fingers and laughing sinister laughs… MUHAHAHAHAH!   Soon it will ALL be OURS!!!

Burned by the shortcomings of its recent crop of human field operatives, the VLWC has decided instead to rely on technology to pursue its political ends. 

Enter the John F. Kerry Politron   

The Kerry is an animatronic device, reminiscent of those on display at the Disney facilities.

In fact, the Kerry appears somewhat less sophisticated than those, and for that reason may not succeed at its purpose.  It has a rather monotonous voice, a gangly and inelegant gait, lacks basic proficiency in such actions as cycling, exhibits awkward movement in general, and as recently displayed in Boston, it throws like a girl. 

The big advantage of the Kerry Politron is its rapid download and reprogramming capability.  When linked to any data source, it can be reprogrammed instantly to correct its stance on any issue, in favor of a position that is anticipated to garner more votes.

The VLWC has thousands of operatives polling and testing the political winds, and can update the Kerry at a moment’s notice.   It is a powerful weapon, and if nothing else, it will present a stark contrast to the bumbling but loveable cowboy, who despite all of his deft human handlers seems incapable of the kinds of rapid transformations of thought and opinion that will woo each and every category of voter.

Some pundits see this election as the Armageddon of the right and left, the epic confrontation of liberalism vs. conservatism, but I know it for what it really is…   It is nothing but the latest incarnation of the eternal battle of man vs.machine.

posted by IFYA, editor who is going out now to play kick the can around the block

 

BEWARE THE EARTHLINKS

HOO YAAH!

Iffy's back on the internet.  After battling what I now believe to have been a mysterious Martian anti-DSL particle beam propagator for the past 10 months, I am finally free of its evil effects!  Or so it seems.

Free at last, Free at last, thank Gawdamighty I'm Free at last! 

Free to pay almost double the cost for access to various communication and content signals than I ought to have to pay, but at least everything works now.  I can watch "Mars Needs Women" on satellite, and surf the net at warp speed via cable connection.

   
         

I used to have only cable service, for both television signals and internet access, but I got angry with the cable droids when they couldn't figure out how to offer the programming I wanted, and not offer the programming I didn't want.  I ditched them and switched to satellite.  Satellite is fine for TV, except when it rains real hard.  Cable was fine for internet, but they wouldn't offer cable for internet only, so I hooked up with DSL.  To complicate matters, I couldn't have kept my email account if I had stayed with cable because the cable company switched ISP's.

Simple solution I thought was to switch my connection to DSL and keep it with the same company that was my previous ISP with the cable company.  That ISP goes by the name Earthlink.  Note the similarity of that name to the term "Earthling".  I should have been suspicious from the outset.  The evil Martian bastiges who call themselves "Earthlinks" were never able to provide me with reliable internet access, though their billing systems remained flawlessly functional. 

Whenever I called to complain, the Martian "earthlinks" would set upon me with multitudes of sickeningly polite, quasi-english speaking tech support wizards located somewhere over in Raunchypur (anyone recall the moovie "Rains of Ranchipur"?) or Mumbai judging from thier accents. These wicked minions would delight in sending me outside in a lightening storm to crawl up a ladder and check the phone line, or have me run all over the house looking for a phone plugged into a jack that had no DSL filter on it, or repeating ad nauseum the exercise of turning off the modem, shutting down the computer, turning  the modem on, rebooting, etc. etc. etc. repeat as necessary.  That last process was occasionally successful, in the way that pulling on slot machine levers is occasionally successful.  Just enough reward to make you actually consider trying it again even though your better instincts tell you to empty a magazine of .45 auto into the friggin DSL modem and get on with life.

(above: Iffy protests the Earthlinks)

Finally I realized that I would not outwit the clever Martians-cum-Earthlinks, and their powerful anti-DSL particle beam propagator, so I did what I should have done a long time ago.  I emptied a magazine of .45 auto into the DSL modem and called the cable guy.  So far so good. I now seem to have reliable internet access, only to find out that in order to slip the shackles of the evil Martian-Earthlinks, I will have to pay a penalty for early withdrawal.  These Martians in disguise are foul creatures!  They sell you something that doesn't work, and make you pay for it while they torture you with the expectation that it might someday work, and then if you get wise to them, they charge you a penalty!  Stay away from Martian Internet Service Providers!  Especially the ones that masquerade as Earthlinks.  I will go ahead and pay their stinking ransom so that I can keep my "earthlink" email addess, but the foul taste of Martian cyber torture will not leave my craw for a very very long time.

(above:  Martians/Earthlinks using DSL disruptors and laughing at Iffy)

The only encouraging thing out of all this is that apparently one marketing genius at the cable company has come to the realization that if they provide what people want, and only what they want, they will get more customers.  The lack of marketing sense in the communicaton industry makes me wonder whether the Martians have been systematically debraining their marketing people, rendering most of them profoundly stupid.  I guess one at Charter Communications must have slipped through the net.  They now offer only internet access without the TV service.  And it's fast and reasonably priced!!! 

Cautiously, I wade back into the cyber goo.  ONWARD!

(above:a busy Iffy in the newly Mars-shielded TSC laboratory, back online and working on ... on...  on whatever that is he thinks he's doing. HEY! WTF?)

posted by IFYA, editor who has finally experienced the wrath of The Angry Red Planet